Dating by Attachment Style
Attachment styles (secure and insecure) are how you engage in all of the important relationships in your life, whether that’s with friends and family or with romantic partners. In this blog post, we’ll specifically be talking about dating relationships by attachment style.
Now that many parts of the U.S. are starting to open back up, maybe you’re thinking about dating again post-pandemic. You’ve re-downloaded all of the apps and you’re updating your profile.
But maybe you’re curious what else you can do to prepare yourself for dating again after the world has changed so significantly in the past year. Or maybe you’re wondering how you can stop repeating the same patterns from past dating relationships.
Here’s the good news: you can create new patterns to form healthy, secure relationships by becoming aware of your attachment style!
This blog post will guide you through the basics of the attachment styles that formed in childhood so that you can identify your dating patterns now. Your awareness can help you be prepared to form healthy adult relationships and start dating again after the pandemic!
Before you begin your quest to find out what your attachment style is, there are some things to know. We don’t have just one attachment style. Instead, we tend to have one more than others depending on the relationship dynamics and who is involved. For instance, you may have mostly a secure attachment with your friends. However, in some friendships where you feel more inferior, it may draw out a more anxious attachment. Your attachment to authority figures may differ from your attachment to a partner. Your attachment to one parent may differ from your attachment to another parent. To use the cliche therapist term- it depends.
For the Secure Attachment Style
Secure attachment styles have the easiest time forming healthy bonds in relationships as a result of having safe, emotionally responsive, consistent relationships with their primary caretakers as children. Intimacy comes naturally, and people with secure attachments don’t crave dramatic highs and lows. They are able to be themselves, hold boundaries, and when others are emotionally close, they embrace it.
For the Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant attachments begin in childhood when the primary caregiver is consistently emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to the child’s needs, so the child learns to cope with an extreme version of self-reliance. The avoidant attachment style is usually experienced as a partner’s disconnection or emotional distancing. People with avoidant attachments typically view intimacy as a loss of independence. However, they still deeply want to experience the closeness of relationships!
For the Anxious Attachment Style
The anxious attachment style is characterized by an intense need or craving to be close to your partner, fueled by anxiety about your partner leaving. Someone with this attachment style may send random texts to check to make sure their partner still likes them. Anxious attachments are formed in childhood as a response to inconsistent attention or abandonment from your primary caregiver. An anxious attachment can form from feeling the need to please or be someone else in order to get attention and love from a caregiver. Read more here about tips to heal an anxious attachment style.
Now that you know more about your attachment style, you can notice when you’re “activated,” to change how you react in your dating relationships. If you mostly identify with an anxious or avoidant attachment style, you can shift towards secure attachment with conscious work and a supportive, secure partner. If you’re ready to get started on this work for healthy dating relationships, contact me today.
Want to learn more about attachment styles?
Check out the resources below for more information!
- Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
- How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage by Kay and Milan Yerkovich
- 3 Attachment Styles and How Your Attachment Style is Affecting Your Life (On Purpose with Jay Shetty): https://open.spotify.com/episode/3w5q3VQQaygJ2dV3EWttNm?si=q49sGHNxQy2Fe-9ygHMGeg
- How to Attachment (Feminist Survival Project): https://open.spotify.com/episode/03ZSQ4hBIqcbTdrhHx4O8t?si=7xuxdHGkS3CU0Y7UEGRBDQ
If you’re looking for more support with understanding your attachment style or transitioning back into dating, I’m here to help. Get in touch to schedule a free 15-minute consultation by sending me an email at email@example.com.