How To Date Men When You Hate Men
I actually came across this subject because it is a top Google search. And I thought- why not help a girl out? (from a therapist’s perspective). So first of all, that proves you aren’t alone if you are trying to date men- when you hate men. Phew! You may be feeling disappointment from past relationships or find yourself avoiding relationships all together. You feel like you should be putting yourself out there on the dating apps only to find yourself swiping left monotonously while watching The Bachelorette. In therapy, this is what I call resistance: when you are striving for and think you want one thing (to date men), but then your emotions are telling a different story (you hate men). Here’s 4 ways to help you move towards internal congruency, whether you decide to date or not.
Sort through your emotions
It’s common to feel multiple emotions at the same time, and depending on your personality it may be hard to identify exactly what they are. It may be helpful to break up your emotions into two categories: (1.) how you feel (2.) how you feel about those feelings. For example, you may feel (1.) disappointed that your last relationship didn’t work out. Then you feel (2.) angry because you feel disappointed because you expected yourself to move on quicker. You may feel (1.) hopeful for meeting a new man that you like, and feel (2.) anxious because hoping in something can be scary. It helps to write your feelings out to know all the conflicting feelings and where they are coming from.
Let’s talk transference.
Transference is when we as humans take our feelings from a few experiences of people and then transfer them onto the next person that somehow reminds us of those people. These experiences can be positive or negative. For example, if you love your grandma, you will transfer love onto the next person you meet that reminds you of your grandma- at least until you find out that she’s not like your grandma. On the other hand, negative transference can happen in dating when you are angry at one man, and then transfer that anger onto the next man that you meet that reminds you of him. If this blog post title resonates with you, then transference of your hate for one man may have led you to hate all of them. Notice the times that your transference comes up and how it could be clouding your evaluation process.
Do you have an avoidant attachment style?
We tend to learn how to attach to others from our primary caretakers from childhood or parents. Our attachment styles can be altered based on other healing relationships or experiences as well. There are four attachment styles: one secure and three insecure. Avoidant Attachment is an insecure attachment style that helps you keep people or certain types of people at a distance in order to feel independent and self-sufficient. If you have Avoidant Attachment, there might have been a former relationship or caretaker that wasn’t present for you emotionally and you learned how to get by on your own. As a defense mechanism, someone with an Avoidant Attachment style will find faults in someone who is pursuing them in order to keep them at a distance because independence is comfortable. If you find yourself finding faults in men easily at the beginning stages of dating, I would recommend looking more into attachment styles.
Time is on your side. Give yourself permission to not date right now.
You may feel pressure to find someone fast, or have that ever-present biological clock ticking in the back of your head. Or maybe your mom keeps asking you if you have a boyfriend. Give yourself permission to wait till you are ready. Don’t force yourself to go on dates when you’re going to dread the experience.
I love working with women who are trying to sort through their emotions, and ask questions just like “How To Date Men When You Hate Men.” If you are looking to start therapy and want to dive into some more of these topics, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or visit my website at morganhancockmft.com